I would like to take this moment to apologize to all the people that made an unpleasant discovery upon stepping out onto their lawn or porch. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s just say that this is one batch of chocolate pudding Bill Cosby wouldn’t be proud of. Hmm, or maybe he would. Who knows. Anyhoo, I’m afraid to inform you that the mess you encountered was not a dog-made mound of disgrace as you might have suspected. It was human. 100% human pile of blasphemy and I am the culprit. Speaking of dogs, if you find a dead dog on your front porch, I apologize for that as well. And if you happen to run into Dog The Bounty Hunter (or as I call him when he’s not on the job, Dog The Friend) tell him I said “What’s up, Dog!?”. My point here is that I regret my actions and am truly sorry. I mean, anyone could get carried away by all this apocalypse mumbo-jumbo and that convincing “2012” documentary starring John Cusack didn’t help my situation. I know you folks can understand. In the meanwhile, I’m gonna go wash the taste of old farts out of my mouth.
Taking Back Sundae, Buns N Roses, Food Fighters, The Strokes, The Chins, The Denny’s All-American Slam Rejects, Cholesterolplay, Cake , Limp Bisquick, Bob Farley and The Wailers, Strawberry Jam, The Jackson $5 Footlongs, The Red Velvet Cake Underground, Leave My Fries Alone Ok (LMFAO), The English Muffin Beat, The Lunch Specials, Rage Against The Vending Machine, and everyone’s favorite: Cinnabon Jovi
So a few days ago I was hanging out with my bros, you know, the yoosh. All of sudd, I felt hungry so we decided to go get something to eat. We went for some Mex because a hadn’t eaten Mex since forevs, so we headed down to the Bell. You know, the Bell. While there, I had a bit of a sitch with the dude that took my ord. He must’ve had a hearing prob, I guess. Because he got my ord comp wrong! So, I went up to the counter and was like “Yo, Broseph! What’s the dealio? I wanted extra guac on my burreet and this burreet has no guac at all. Plus, the ‘tilla is cold.” and he was like “The what?” and I was like “The ‘tilla, bro!” I mean, who doesn’t know what a ‘tilla is? Serio, this guy was ridic. I hate confrontaish, but I wanted to express my frustraish. Did I mensh that he didn’t try to do anything to fix the prob? This guy needs some motivaish, but that’s none of my bitniz. Whatevs. Anyway, one of my bros was like “Bro, that was embair.” and I was like “Embair?” and he’s like “You know, embarrassing.” then I was like “Hahaha, embair! What a douche!” He got mad and almost started an altercaish, but we kept our cool. After all, we’re bros ya know. Disagreems happen on the reg. Lates.
Inspired by last night’s episode of Community, here’s my list of movies that could be better if they were about somebody taking a dump:
Fire Down Below
Everything Must Go
Waiting To Exhale
2 Fast 2 Furious
Brick By Brick
Nightmare Before Christmas
There Will Be Blood
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
Let me know if you know any.
I like Star Wars. I like sports. Here’s my list:
US Goalkeeper Hope Solo
Chelsea Midfielder John Obi Mikel
Yankees Pitcher Joba Chamberlain
L.A. Galaxy Midfielder Lando Donovan
Manchester United Striker Chicha-D2
If you know anymore, let me know or keep it to yourself. I know, the last two were kind of dumb, but so are you. Goodnight!